It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her: