*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
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“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
March 16
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two