“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
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Weirdos gonna weird.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
man: wait
time: no
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.