I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
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Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.