[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
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a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast