Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
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[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.