Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
You Might Also Like
my name if I was in the mob
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”