My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste