Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
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[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
waiting for halloween be like:
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.