Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
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[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok