True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh