I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
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HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao