He died doing what he loved: being alive
You Might Also Like
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.