Lmfaoooooo
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I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
they should invent a hydrating liquor
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Oh thanks BBC.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
How is it still this week?
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?