“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
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wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
What’s that? There’s a Harry Potter marathon on TV? Cancel all my plans!
My cat: Meow
Yes I know we have all the DVDs…
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Velcrow
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
early stone age tool
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.