My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
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Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.