COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
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I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode