So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
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Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
How to make infinite energy.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!