imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
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ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Why font matters.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?