paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
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I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom