Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
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4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.