My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
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Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
No way!
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*