Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?