The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.