The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
The cashier just checked me out.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
This is Sparta