When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day