Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
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I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking