an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
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Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
taking June’s advice to heart
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t