Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
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I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Put a ring on it
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.