I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
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[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Watermelon Boss!
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Breaking news:
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Not recommended for beginners.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU