I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
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marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
The sacred texts.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
There’s no “u” in narcissist
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.