It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Breaking news:
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.