Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works