In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
You Might Also Like
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Succinctly put.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.