Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
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“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
inventing words: clothing
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Left at a local drug store…
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has