Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
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me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
who wants to go expliring
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
estão todos miauvindo?
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.