Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
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Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I was in a band during the 80s called The Prevention. We were better than the Cure.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.