Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
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All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.