Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
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The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.