#MeanwhileinCanada
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Trying
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles