“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Lol.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.