watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
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Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
#SaturdayBears
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?