Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
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When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.