I just ran a .003048K
You Might Also Like
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
my good friends know that i鈥檓 just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I鈥檓 available.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 馃憤
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
This January has 47 Mondays
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
#PleaseGoToChurch 馃槀馃槶
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.