Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Cinematography is my passion
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am