Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
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[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.