My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
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Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!