*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
You Might Also Like
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”