Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
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Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
what the
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in