[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
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“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
I never needed anything more in my life
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
*First day as a police officer*
Me: Sir, your son’s been either incarcerated or incinerated… *flips pad* Does that look like an A to you?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.